In a busy world, for many of us, noise is a present and preoccuping occurrence. This hazard—belligerent drivers honking horns, helicopters and planes flying close overhead, drunk guys catcalling—extends into our very homes through the miracle of the television (or, more likely, the phone and tablet). Rarely do contemporary movies have soft soundtracks and gentle caresses. Today they are all about Noise.
Or at least that’s how it feels to me when my partner very gingerly asks to put a movie on when I’m trying to take a nap on our couch, the most comfortable surface in our entire apartment. Therefore, I would like to officially propose a new movement towards Quiet Cinema: movies with at least 90% less Yelling* that my partner can watch while I’m blissfully napping on my just-right couch, which is perfectly molded to my form from years of hard-earned naps.
*Defined as anything louder than a statement delicately whispered in another person’s ear
Why are we concerned with cinema? I get it. It’s nice to have a bit of art before bed! Movies can be thrilling, and cathartic. As my partner says, “art is communication across time and space.” Film can make us feel connected with other humans, who may have lived a long time ago or far away.
Why are we concerned with couch naps? I mean, have you fucking tried one? They’re incredible. They’re better than going straight to bed. Frankly, the best night’s sleep is when you start with a couch nap, then go to bed, then get up in the early morning and get back on the couch for an early couch nap.
But unfortunately the couch shares its space with one other household item: the television. Which my partner, who goes to sleep much later than me, would love to use for a night time movie.
In my work as a couch napper, I have been tempted to make use of noise cancelling headphones, but they’re uncomfortable for a side sleeper. I’ve considered asking my partner to turn the volume down even more, but Yelling and Noise can appear without warning, and at a certain point my partner can’t hear what’s being said anymore. I’ve considered abandoning the couch nap altogether and going straight to bed, but that would be miserable! It is abundantly clear there is only one solution for this pressing, and I’m sure widespread, issue: Less Yelling In Movies. It doesn’t matter if they’re romances, dramas, or action – they all have Yelling these days!
But I’m not one to just complain. I’m here to offer direct suggestions: movies that can, and should, exist now as the epitome of Quiet Cinema.
What about a movie with a man fishing who never catches a fish? He is not there to catch a fish. He is there to pretend he cares about catching a fish. No other humans are around him to make conversation. He is not mauled by a bear. He simply sits and does not catch a fish. There’s probably some deeper meaning there, right?
This one’s in a library. There are a few people reading books or sleeping or studying, and a librarian putting books away. This librarian does not need to be stern, because everyone here is REALLY into library culture. They’re all about rustling pages and murmuring, and no one wants to be shushed.
Or, hear me out, a movie about a person taking a couch nap in the early morning before their partner wakes up. Children aren’t up for school yet. No one had an early morning shift today. We do not go into the sleeper’s mind to see their dreams. There is simply rest under a twenty pound blanket while a humidifier quietly whirs in the background. It’s inexplicably directed by Elaine May or Ryan Coogler or Powell & Pressburger so my partner is interested in putting it on.
Of course, these are just the tip of the iceberg. There is a whole wealth of Quiet Cinema out there to be discovered, if we can only be brave enough to look for it. Thank you for your attention to this matter.
Important news for North Texans: my play The Great Impresario Boris Lermontov Would Like To Invite You To Dinner opens TOMORROW and runs through May 3. I’ve followed the behind-the-scenes making of this production by Sundown Collaborative Theatre and I am amazed at how they have breathed life and magic into this play. It’s a play with a living hat, a frightening specter, dancing cutlery and more and they are ALL present in exciting and clever ways.
Read a bit more about it, in particular how the actors potentially play new roles every night, from the Denton Record-Chronicle and GO SEE IT. I’m very proud of it.
