I try to desire things from the corner of my eye

I’ve been trying to write something like this for a couple months and keep failing. It’s just been bits in my Notes app. Not because it’s some Deep Meaningful Statement. In fact, it’s messy and confusing and cobbled together from twenty different versions of me at random times and days throughout periods and piles of heartbreaks. I’m just not sure how to say what I’m trying to say. I’m not fully sure what I’m trying to say. 

I don’t know how to stop wanting something.
I don’t have a secret method for hardening the heart.
I try to desire things from the corner of my eye but
when the time comes they jump-scare me: we both know
you want this and we both know the answer
(It’s always heartbreak)
It’s heartbreak again
It’s heartbreak again
It’s heartbreak again

I am incapable of writing and incapable of not writing.
I am unqualified, undisciplined, and obsessed.
I write like a lost man with a divining rod,
hoping desperately to hit water before he dies.
(I cannot escape death.)
I wish I could reach beyond my fingertips.
I wish I could affect feeling with my body beyond my body.

I don’t know how to fix most things from the silly to the soul-shattering
but I know how to sew on a button
and I know how to weave a patch
and sometimes I can find the right synonym to elevate a sentence into poetry
but usually I just try and fail and in this practice maybe there is a lesson:

I cannot untangle all the knots
but I can pull on one thread.
My actions are my only true belongings.
I don’t think I can be something great,
but maybe I can be something true.

I am mourning a world I see from the corner of my eye.
The people I knew,
the people I never will,
the people I do
and will desperately miss.
I cannot escape being separated from them.
I cannot escape the resulting heartache.
I cannot shut off the founding love.