“Nothing makes time pass or shortens the way like a thought that absorbs in itself all the faculties of the one who is thinking. External existence is then like a sleep of which this thought is the dream. Under its influence, time has no more measure, space has no more distance.” -Alexandre Dumas, The Three Musketeers

“HIIIII-YAH!” -Miss Piggy, The Muppets

Pete and I have begun, stolen of course from the online practice, to pick a story and ask how the other would cast it with the Muppets. As in d’Artagnan’s horse ride between Chantilly and Crevecoeur, this is an exercise during which I enter a fugue state, convinced of my consummate rightness as I proclaim various characters to be played by the Swedish Chef or Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and Beaker, then emerge on the other side, knowing I have performed some important act but barely able to remember it.

Today, I have labored to bring one such thought exercise to the masses. Anyways, someone hire me as the casting director for The Three Muppeteers.

The first question, of course, is which character is our sole human? I was tempted to have Tim Curry or Christoph Waltz reprise their respective turns as Cardinal Richelieu, but the clear answer is, of course, d’Artagnan. D’Artagnan is new to this setting, its intricacies, and its deep secrets. He is a fish out of water. He must be the human surrounded by Muppets.

François Civil from the recent French blockbuster productions (The Three Musketeers: D’Artagnan and The Three Musketeers: Milady) is a strong choice for a role reprisal. I liked him in the movies – he’s overconfident, a little brash, but sweet. 

But I’m also thinking Justice Smith could pull d’Artagnan off, maybe with a more nuanced layer of uncertainty. And Justice has experience playing opposite some weird creatures (various Pokemon and Ryan Reynolds). 

But ultimately, I dunno, look, casting the human is someone else’s job. I’m here for the Muppets.

Kermit plays Athos - an unsurprising choice for fans of the frog and the story. Athos is noble, but melancholy. He knows it’s not easy being green/emotionally wounded by a gorgeous and complicated adversary. 

Fozzie Bear plays Porthos - Porthos is the clown of the group, though deeply committed to his comrades in arms. He is the Musketeer most likely to use a rubber chicken in a joke or prank, so he simply must be played by Fozzie Bear.

Animal plays Aramis - some might quibble with me here, but I’m right. Aramis is a lover, devoted to courting women as well as priesthood? I guess? I never fully got that bit. So how does Animal fit this? Well, I’ll defer to Christopher Finch who wrote Jim Henson: The Works: the Art, the Magic, the Imagination and who has this quote on Wikipedia which is how I found it: “[Animal is both] carnivorous beast [and] physical manifestation of pure libido."

Now you might think I decided to cast Miss Piggy as Milady because I cast Kermit as Athos, but, let’s be honest, the first person I cast was Miss Piggy. Kermit is Athos because Miss Piggy is Milady. The original femme fatale, a brilliant spy, and complicated antagonist with a hundred marriage schemes who we, despite any of her ills, want to come out on top – but enough about Miss Piggy. And like Athos and Milady, she and Kermit have always had a love-hate relationship.

Also, if we bring back Paul W. S. Anderson to direct, maybe we even get a Miss Piggy action sequence featuring loads of karate chops.

As soon as I decided Tim Curry and Christoph Walz were out, there was only one Muppet for the Cardinal. I mean, just look at him. He’s perfectly self-righteous. He was born in character.

Like Miss Piggy and Kermit, the King and Queen were also a fairly easy pairing. Who is more beloved and regal than Camilla the Chicken? And who else to play opposite her, with awkward, crazed eyes of adoration than Gonzo?

For their court, my first instinct was… rats? But I also see the value of the court just being all other Muppets and the rats popping in as American tourists in France.

Oh and the Duke of Buckingham is that weird fish guy purely on looks. He just looks like a Duke and I don’t have the energy to read any more Muppet biographies to see if one of them had an affair with a Queen.